The Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP) has confirmed that Roger Federer has completed tennis and no more matches will be played.
After sweeping aside the competition with the effortless grace of a pearlescent unicorn, the 36-year-old has reclaimed his rightful place at the top of the ATP rankings. Shortly after achieving the tremendous feat, Chris Kermode, president of the ATP, confirmed that there was no more reason to continue the tour: "It's been a fun ride, but there isn't really any point in carrying it on now; tennis, I mean. Federer's completed the game. "We threw everything at him: relentless Spaniards, giants with 150mph serves, cyborg-like Serbians, a Bulgarian clone, even an angry, monotonous Scot that we thought would bore him off the court, but he still beat everyone and won everything. "So we've decided to call it a day. The fans will unfortunately have to watch another sport like football. Nobody won that yet, did they?" As any avid fan of the sport knows, the game of tennis as we know it has been played since the 19th century, though its origins can be traced back to 12th century France. First referred to as lawn tennis, it was first played in Britain and went on to become one of the most popular sports in the world. For over a century, players battled for the right to be considered the best of all time. With each victory, players would absorb the powers of their beaten opponents and grow stronger, until eventually only one would remain, claiming the prize of ultimate power and knowledge. That player is none other than the maestro, Roger Federer.* * Edit: Apologies, we have recently been informed that we were given false information by a usually reliable source, and that this is in fact the plot of 1986 film Highlander. Federer will actually receive a large, silver trophy to commemorate his achievement.