Charlie Austin to replace Dominic Raab as Brexit Secretary

November 15, 2018

Football fans and politicos were shocked today as Southampton player Charlie Austin was appointed Brexit Secretary after his inspiring tirade on the need for VAR almost immediately led to its introduction in the Premier League.

The Southampton striker launched into passionate post-game rant after his side fell victim to yet another poor decision which ultimately cost them three points in a 1-1 draw against Watford.

 

Within one week of the rousing cockney-laden speech, Premier League clubs agreed in principle that from next season, Video Assistant Referee (VAR) technology will be implemented.

 

Elsewhere in London, news broke that after citing what he described as "fatal flaws" in the draft Brexit agreement proposed by Prime Minister Theresa May, Dominic Raab announced his resignation from the role of 'Brexit Secretary'. Enter Charlie Austin.

 

It's understood that Austin received a phone call from 10 Downing Street this afternoon, during which May begged Austin to work his magic on a Brexit deal many are calling a "joke" and save her position as PM by becoming her new Brexit Secretary. Austin accepted the appointment without hesitation and called a press conference so he could make the announcement and, more importantly, rant some more.

 

Referring to the government's handling of the Brexit negotiations so far, Austin, seemingly in favour of a 'hard brexit', exclaimed:

 

"It's ridiculous. We shouldn't be in the EU. We voted out, we get out and the negotiations are done and dusted.

 

"It's a joke. We go on about Brexit this', 'Brexit that'; clearly our government needs help. We're the United Kingdom. The best kingdom in the world. I'm here to give them all the help they need because clearly they need help. This deal's a joke. Give me a week and I'll sort it."

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