Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley has claimed Lonsdale trainers and massive branded mugs are "absolutely essential in these dire times" after keeping all Frasers Group stores open, despite Prime Minister Boris Johnson effectively putting the United Kingdom on lockdown.
"We provide an essential service to the people of the United Kingdom", said Ashley, who also owns a majority stake in Premier League football club, Newcastle United.
"Where else in the country, or even the world, stocks Lonsdale trainers, No Fear jeans and Dunlop travel pillows? That's right: nowhere. I challenge anyone to find a three-piece suit made by Firetrap anywhere else on the planet. You're welcome.
"Think about it. You've just found out you've got COVID-19; your throat's dry, you're coughing constantly. You need a cup of tea or a Lemsip fast or you might cough yourself to death, but that regular sized mug in your cupboard isn't nearly big enough to quench your thirst. What you need is a gigantic Sports Direct-branded mug, big enough to fit an ocean and drown that deadly virus in your system.
"Then there's our fitness range. What better way to stay fit while you're self-isolating than bouncing around on an 8-foot Donnay trampoline? Or walking around the house wearing one of our lovely Adidas weighted belts?
"The NHS or staying at home won't save the people from this virus; Sports Direct will, so get yourselves down to one of our stores and start spending. Balls to what Boris says."
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