PHIL JONES today signed a "lifetime contract" with Manchester United, the club have announced.
The England defender, 27, has made 222 appearances for Manchester United since joining from Blackburn Rovers in 2011.
During that time, the Reds' number 4 has somehow managed to earn a Premier League medal, a Europa League title, one FA Cup and two Community Shields, despite having all the grace of a three-legged bulldog on laminate flooring.
A statement from the club read:
"We are thrilled to announce that Phil Jones signed a lifetime contract on Thursday keeping him at Manchester United for the rest of his career.
"Time and time again, Phil has proven to be one of the most entertaining players in world football. From his insane facial expressions, to his otherworldly tackling technique, to his downright hilarious defensive errors, there has never been a player like him.
"On his day, he can confuse the world's best players with his leg-breaking runs. Granted, it's his own legs he breaks, bless him, but the effort he puts in while doing so is second to none.
"Even when he's not playing particularly well, we like having him in the squad just to show our other defenders exactly how not to play.
"Jones is one of this club's greatest assets and we are honoured to bestow upon him our first ever lifetime contract. If we know our fans like we think we do, they will be as thrilled as we are.
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