BREAKING: Five people die of boredom watching Man Utd vs West Ham
Tragic news to bring you this evening as five football fans have been confirmed dead due to complications from watching this abominable shit show that is Manchester United vs West Ham United in the fifth round of the FA Cup.
It was set to be a highly anticipated match-up between two sides on high-scoring form, with the home side coming off a 9-0 thrashing of Southampton and a 3-3 thriller against Everton last weekend, and the Hammers sitting in sixth place in the Premier League after an impressive streak of games.
But all that went to shit when the line-ups were announced ahead of the game, Donny van de Beek and Anthony Martial starting ahead of Bruno Fernandes and Edinson Cavani, and West Ham plagued by injuries.
After 60 or so minutes of misplaced passes and fruitless crosses from practically everyone on the pitch, reports began to surface suggesting the NHS, already flat out due to the ongoing pandemic, had become inundated with thousands of calls from the distressed relatives of watching football fans.
Most reported that someone watching the game in their home had simply collapsed, either in their chair or where they stood, unable to cope with the atrocious lack of quality they were witnessing from people paid hundreds of thousands of pounds a week to kick a ball.
At least five people have died so far, with hundreds more still in a laconic state, and the official death toll is expected to rise despite Scott McTominay breaking the deadlock in extra time and sending the Reds into the quarter-finals.