August 21, 2020

Manchester United captain Harry Maguire has pleaded guilty to assault charges after lawyers advised the player that his defence was "woefully pathetic".

Maguire was arrested by Greek authorities on Thursday night following an altercation in which the 27-year-old England International allegedly punched a police officer.

Upon listening to his account of the events, reviewing the police report and statements from witnesses at the s...

August 8, 2020

Leeds United manager Marco Bielsa is plotting to spike his team’s opponents with sneezing powder, following an FA announcement that sneezing or coughing on an opponent will result in a straight red card next season.

"Marco pays incredible attention to detail," explained a club insider. "And what with his extensive knowledge of opposition training grounds, he believes it's possible to breach the opposition laundry rooms and spik...

August 3, 2020

Manchester City defender Kyle Walker is once again under investigation for breaching coronavirus lockdown rules by hosting a sex party.

Just weeks after announcing the "Eat Out to Help Out" scheme, which aims to encourage people to get back out and spending again by offering 50% off food and soft drinks up to a maximum discount of £10 throughout August, Prime Minister Boris Johnson ordered much of the north of England back into...

July 31, 2020

Newcastle target Kylian Mbappé is devastated by the news that a Saudi-backed consortium pulled out of a takeover deal for the club, it has emerged.

The Paris Saint-Germain forward confirmed in an interview with French newspaper L'Equipe that he was all set to join the 'Toon' this summer and is apparently as upset as anyone.

The World Cup winner lamented:

"I'm devastated. We had the contract signed and everything. My agent told me...

July 30, 2020

After the news broke that Newcastle United's takeover deal with a Saudi-backed consortium was off, Newcastle owner Mike Ashley took to the press to tease fans and remind them who's boss.

"You actually thought I was leaving, didn't you", remarked a jolly, smirking Ashley. "Well tough titties, this is still my club and no Saudi princes or Disney princesses are saving it from me. Not now, not ever.

"You'd better get used to th...

July 30, 2020

With the transfer window open once again and Manchester United looking to bolster their squad, could Lionel Messi be heading to Manchester to join the Red Devils?

No, you silly twat. Of course he isn't. Why do you even entertain these insane rumours? Why on earth would he leave sunny Spain where he's spent his entire career being worshipped like a God to go to a dull, rain-soaked shithole like Manchester? To play with Phil Jone...

July 29, 2020

Manchester United have made a fascinating start to their transfer business this summer, offering £40million plus Phil Jones to any club willing to take Phil Jones.

The 28-year-old has fallen out of favour since Ole Gunnar Solskjaer took over as manager at the end of 2018, and the Norwegian is keen to offload Jones and his wacky faces this summer at any cost.

According to a source, Solskjaer, known in his playing days as the "bab...

July 28, 2020

Manchester United are "growing concerned" about Sir Alex Ferguson's health after the former manager complimented Liverpool during this year's League Managers Association Awards.

The 78-year-old was chosen to present the LMA Manager of the Year award, won by  Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp after winning the Merseyside club's first league title in 30 years.

In a pre-recorded message, Ferguson congratulated the German for...

July 23, 2020

Former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has called on Scotland Yard to arrest Declan Rice for attempted murder, claiming Rice’s free-kick on Wednesday night was intended to kill Paul Pogba.

"I thought Declan Rice seemed like a good lad, with a promising future ahead of him," Ferguson told our source. "But the only future he deserves now is a life behind bars. The thuggery we witnessed from Rice is equalled only by As...

July 18, 2020

Relegation-bound Norwich City FC have decided to shift their focus to becoming the worst Premier League team in history.

"F**k it," said Norwich manager Daniel Farke to BBC reporters after his team's 2-0 loss to Burnley this evening in which the Canaries had two players sent off and Ben Godfrey scored a pitiful own goal. "We're already going down and we're not winning anything, so I've told the lads to make sure we're the worst...

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