October 10, 2019

Recent reports have indicated that Manchester United are heavily linked with every fucking player you've ever heard of. 

Pick a player. Any player from any league in men's football. Thought of one yet? Good. He's been linked with a move to Manchester in the next transfer window.

How do we know? A source told a writer for a French magazine you've never heard of, The Sun picked it up and now Talksport and the Daily Mail...

October 1, 2019

Following Bayern Munich's 7-2 humiliation of Tottenham Hotspur in this year's Champions League group stages, in which former Arsenal player Serge Gnabry scored four goals, the Gunners have announced they will immortalise the striker with a bronze statue outside the club's stadium.

Though the 24-year-old left the London club back in 2016 to go to German club Werder Bremen for a paltry fee of £5million, Arsena...

September 24, 2019

League One side Rochdale A.F.C. have insisted they're not overlooking underdogs Manchester United ahead of their Carabao Cup clash on Wednesday. 

"It's a dangerous thing being the overwhelming favourites; we can't afford to let that go to our heads", said Rochdale manager Brian Barry-Murphy.

"Look what happened to FC Astana last week in the Europa League. They lost a match they should be winning 7 or 8 nil against the very same...

August 28, 2019

ANOTHER PERSON has died of laughter today after hearing a variation of a hilarious pun along the lines of 'Bury have been buried'.

Since Bury Football Club were expelled from the English Football League (EFL) yesterday, at least eight people have died moments after learning of the outrageously funny pun, unable to curb their hysterical laughter until meeting their unfortunate end.

Chris Peak, one man lucky enough to su...

August 15, 2019

Viewers were shocked this evening as a woman was somehow able to get 22 men to listen to her for over two hours.

In an unprecedented feat, referee Stephanie Frappart was able to order no less than 22 fully grown men around during this year's UEFA Super Cup for over two full hours without incident and only a couple of short breaks needed. 

When the French woman was appointed to referee this year's contest between Champions League...

August 6, 2019

Manchester United have confirmed that Cristiano Ronaldo will remain on loan for the 10th year running.


The Portuguese striker has, at least in the minds of Manchester United and its supporters, been on an extended loan period since 2009, having enjoyed a lengthy spell at Real Madrid and, more recently, Juventus.

"We have decided to allow Cristiano Ronaldo to stay out on loan again this season", a spokesperson for the club said.

...

July 4, 2019

Ligue 1 champions Paris Saint-Germain have once again shocked the footballing world with a record-breaking transfer fee, offering a staggering €240m to the parents of an unborn fetus said to be 'the next Lionel Messi'.


Not to be outdone by Atlético Madrid's €126m fee for Portuguese teenager João Félix, the French club sent scouts to a number of hospitals across Europe hoping to find the next footballing prodigy in the maternit...

June 13, 2019


AHEAD of his £88.5m transfer to Real Madrid, Chelsea star Eden Hazard successfully underwent buttock reduction surgery as part of his medical.


It's understood the Spanish club insisted the Belgian, known for his voluptuous rump as well as his sumptuous skills, undergo the surgery prior to the transfer taking place, even adding it as a condition to his contract.

The club were said to be concerned the player's movement and agili...

May 9, 2019

Arsenal were booed off the pitch at the Mestalla Stadium tonight after boring their travelling fans to tears with a comprehensive victory over Valencia to reach the Europa League Final. 

The North London club, already ahead a disappointing 3-1 on aggregate after the first leg, looked as if they might attempt to go behind and recreate the incredible, dramatic comebacks of Liverpool and Tottenham in their respective Champions Lea...

December 27, 2018

Former Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho is said to have been visited by three spirits on Christmas Day in an attempt to stop him being a miserable, grinchy old son of a bitch.

The ghosts whisked the Portuguese manager away on a torrid and gloomy journey through his past, present and future.

First, he was taken to the scenes of old press conferences and bust-ups with former players, examples of the arrogance and canta...

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