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"Get used to this face, you set of Geordie bastards" - Mike Ashley

After the news broke that Newcastle United's takeover deal with a Saudi-backed consortium was off, Newcastle owner Mike Ashley took to the press to tease fans and remind them who's boss.

"You actually thought I was leaving, didn't you", remarked a jolly, smirking Ashley. "Well tough titties, this is still my club and no Saudi princes or Disney princesses are saving it from me. Not now, not ever.

"You'd better get used to this face, because I'll be here for the next few years. I'm going to drag this shit heap of a club through the Championship, League One and League Two, all the way into the National League, then I'm going to strip it of its assets and turn St. James' Park into the world's biggest Sports Direct mug.

"You ungrateful set of Geordie bastards will rue the day you ever besmirched the name of Mike Ashley. All those banners you made, all those tweets and interviews, every single insult you've thrown my way will be fuel to the fire I use to burn your beloved club to the fucking ground."

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