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Martin Tyler: “If I don’t make a coronavirus pun soon, I will explode”

Sky Sports commentator and dad-joke enthusiast Martin Tyler has revealed that his overwhelming urge to shoehorn a bad coronavirus pun into his commentary has become so intense, he may spontaneously combust if he doesn’t give in to it soon.

“I cannot tell you just how much I am gagging to make a God-awful reference to coronavirus at a crucial moment of a game that not only distracts from the match but causes millions of viewers to collectively groan at how self-indulgent my commentary has become,” Tyler admitted to reporters.

“But unfortunately, the bosses have told me it’s in the public interest to avoid exposing people to such extreme audio torture.”

Indeed, it appears that Tyler’s commentary has had a drastically negative impact upon the mental well-being of his TV audience; one supporter revealed to The Sport Rag that just hearing Tyler’s signature catchphrase induced the exact same emotions as receiving a diagnosis of terminal illness.

“There I was watching the telly, feeling happy at last, looking forward to Spurs v Man United, when all of a sudden, Martin Tyler bellows “And it’s liiiive”,” football fan Steve Barker told our reporter.

“Realising that catchphrase was once again a part of my life after being free from it for months was worse than hearing from the doctor that my cancer had returned after years in remission.

“If Martin Tyler decides to make a coronavirus pun on live television, I might just choose to end it all. That man’s commentary is a bigger health risk than the actual pandemic could ever be.”

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